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State of the Six Address: Chickenfoot is the Hardest Foot of Them All 
BROOKLYN, June 12 -- The following can be attributed to Dick Valentine:Hello everybody. We've needed an update for a while, but I am of the mind that you don't force things like that. You bring it when it's time to bring it. Yes, we've been recording and I suppose that's newsworthy. Our sixth album will be finished soon and it will be released in October. It sounds wonderful and I fully intend for this to be the first Electric Six album that sees each and every song being included in our live set when we tour this fall. Because you see, I am getting older and I have very little patience for bullshit. Which brings me to the main reason for updating our news section. You may be aware that Sammy Hagar, Joe Satriani, Michael Anthony and Chad Smith have formed a band called Chickenfoot. Perhaps, like me, you became aware of this when you were watching television. And like Kevin Costner in JFK, I was just a regular person without any real stake in the matter when I heard the news. Like Kevin Costner, I began to lose sleep at night because there were too many questions. And a voice in my head told me to dig a little deeper and discover the truth. From the beginning, the questions led to more questions. Why on earth do you team the world's greatest guitar player and the world's greatest drummer with the world's luckiest bass player???? It seems to me the obvious move in this situation was to get Tony Danza on bass guitar. What is going on here???????? I read the wikipedia entry and that got me nowhere. Just a bunch of predictable drivel about them loving rock and blues and being good buddies who like to jam. This still does not help me sleep. Why is Michael Anthony in the band when Tony Danza is available????? I had to go back to the basics. I looked at the components of other supergroups....Oysterhead, Damn Yankees, Asia, Girls Aloud....in each case they either had Les Claypool, Jack Blades, that swedish-looking guy or no bass player at all. THIS APPROACH GOT ME NOWHERE. I was becoming frustrated. I was not sleeping or holding down solid food. Questions led to more questions and then only to dead ends. I was considering packing it in and going to Cabo Wabo for a month to drink my face off and forget the whole thing. And then, just like that...it hit me square in the face. Cabo Wabo. Sammy Hagar. It had something to do with Sammy Hagar!!!! The Van Halen connection. That's what this was all about. It was about Sammy Hagar going around Tony Danza to help out his friend from Van Halen and hopefully get him some money again. My god, it was right in front of me all along!!! How could I have forgotten about Sammy Hagar!!! How blind I was!!! Sammy Hagar is in Chickenfoot too!!!! He's the reason Michael Anthony is the bass player instead of Tony Danza!!!!! I furiously began to write down my discovery, pausing only to eat Alka Seltzer tablets directly from the package. I took great care to save my work every 30 seconds and back it up on hard drives and microfiche. When completed, I sent one draft to Russia, put one in the freezer, and swallowed the other five. I had one foot out my front door when the phone rang. I wish I could tell you that I never answered the phone...that I kept on going out the front door. Because if I had, I'd still believe that Michael Anthony was in Chickenfoot instead of Tony Danza because of Sammy Hagar. And life would go on and everything would make sense, and I'd be no worse for any of it. But I didn't. I answered the phone. And because I answered the phone I know some things now I wish I didn't know. I know that sometimes, bad things happen to good people and no one can stop it...ever. I know that Joe Satriani is a strange man. I know that I don't have much time before they find me and I have to keep moving. And most of all...I know that the Chickenfoot...is the hardest foot of them all. (to be continued)
BREAKING NEWS: Electric Six Gets a Star on the Wall at First Avenue in Minneapolis!
MINNEAPOLIS, April 7 -- Today, The Electric Six was memorialized forever (or until they are deemed shitty and irrelevant enough to paint over) with a coveted star on the outside wall of Minneapolis' legendary music venue First Avenue and Seventh Street Entry. The band, upon seeing the star, became visibly emotional and could be heard expressing their gratitude and awe over the honour. "Fuck", said Tait Nucleus. "Shit," said The Colonel. "About fucking time," remarked Johnny Nashinal. "I'm gonna eat the riiiiiideeeer," said Smorgasbord.Longtime First Avenue liason Conrad Sverkerson was there to greet the band upon arrival and point out the freshly painted star. "We painted over Skinny Puppy," said Sverkerson. "We know you guys wanted us to paint over the BoDeans, but there would have been problems." Across the street at the Target Center, Canadian rockers Nickelback were getting ready to play their own show, but they took time out of their soundcheck to congratulate Electric Six. "I'm the guy from Nickelback," remarked Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger when told of the Electric Six honor across the street. "Hell yeaaaaaah, dude! I'm the guy from Nickelback!" Electric Six is humbled by the gesture by First Avenue and would like to state for the record that there is no finer venue in the world to play.
Dick Valentine to appear again on Fox News' "Red Eye" on Tuesday Morning
It's EARLY Tuesday morning...as in 3 AM early...but if you can't make it up that late/early, set your DVR for Fox News' "Red Eye with Greg Gutfield," which will feature an appearance by our own Dick Valentine. If you missed Dick's appearance on this show in December, you'll want to be sure to catch this one. "Red Eye" is a panel show in which the guests offer humorous takes on current events, as well as an interview segment with Dick.
April/May US Tour announced
Electric Six is thrilled to announce its upcoming tour of the United States in April and May. This one is sticking mostly to the Eastern half of the country, but we'll be back out West again this Fall. Joining us on this run will be Bang Camaro on dates between April 2 and April 16 and Living Things from April 17 until May 9.A handful of additional dates will be announced shortly for this tour, so keep checking back for further details.
Steeler Nation
PITTSBURGH, TAMPA, Feb. 1 -- The following can be attributed to Dick Valentine:Steeler Nation.
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